Thursday, June 4, 2009

Confession -

Yesterday morning I awoke, and did something I haven't done in an entire year. Now now, allow me to explain. Since my brother's murder people have been asking, " How is your relationship with the Lord? " I always answer them honestly, stating that, "It's fine." I read my Bible, and pray almost daily. But the one thing I haven't been able to bring myself to do is worship. I haven't spent good quality time in the presence of my Lord while listening to worship in over a year. For a very simple reason. I have not wanted the comfort of the Lord. You see, for this entire year, besides the unbeliveable amount of memories my mind has been able to get ahold of, the only thing I had left, the only thing still connecting me to Randall,apart from his shorts that still lay under my mattress, and his shoe that still sits on my nightstand, in my mind, were my tears. The ripping through my heart that I still feel today. I was afraid that if I let God in, He would heal me of it all, and I would lose the connection, even though painful, that I had with him. I was not ready to heal. The wonderful thing about God is, He waits. He waits, knowing that the day will come when I will throw myself in His arms because I just can't seem to carry this any longer. The burden of my grief, I was carrying alone. At times I felt like I had a stone wrapped around my ankle, and someone had picked me up and thrown me into the sea. I was sinking in my grief, gasping for air. All the while my Lord was there, ready to cut the cord, and take me back to the surface.The weight has been lifted,and the void, the emptiness I thought I'd feel in the place in my heart where Randall belonged is not there, but he is. I still feel him, I still hear him, I still see his smile. I know for sure I will see him again. So,today my Jesus has taken me in His arms, and assured me that through it all He will never leave me, nor forsake me. Thank you Abba, for waiting for my return.